Do you feel good or not? | Immigration Diary

May 4, 2024 — the day I wrote this article

If I traveled back to May 4th, 2022, I would find myself locked in the yard of our apartment in Shanghai with my husband. Initially, that day was supposed to be our wedding ceremony, but because of the absurd zero-COVID policy, we had to cancel it and were isolated there for more than 60 days. I remember clearly that we had two clear goals at that moment. The first was to do our best to protect our two cute cats so they would be safe and not killed by community officers (if the owner of pets got infected with COVID, they would take away the pets and kill them, or use their words, “deal with them”). Another goal was to "run" from Shanghai or China. Using a popular Chinese term, we call it “runology.” Two years later, I have to say, that thanks to my persistent push and my husband's efforts, we have successfully achieved our goals. Now, he, our four cats (the other two at that time were in our hometown with his parents), and I are living near Manhattan, New York, along the Hudson River. From the window of our apartment, we can see the pride of America vividly, including the WTC buildings, if the weather is good.

May 4, 2024, is another birthday for me. It's a little bit sad for me to reflect on my age each year, but I enjoy the feeling as time passes by, akin to the feeling of becoming more and more mature. If you still want to ask me how’s it going, like everyone asks when people say hello in this country, I will quote a song by Nina Simone, “It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. And I feel good.” However, the true feeling is not simple but more complex than the lyrics. Maybe I need to use some keywords to describe my feelings.

Immigrant, Stranger

I don't know which words are more precise to describe my status here: immigrant or stranger. To the locals in America, including the Canadian geese on the Hudson River, maybe I am just a stranger with typical black hair and an Asian face. For Asians, our “yellow face” is unique. Sometimes it is not an advantage, as in China we are the majority, and it’s hard to stand out in a population of 1.4 billion.

Our group has a friendly name in this country: immigrants, from both social and political perspectives. Within families, you can say the first generation or the second generation, or you can say African American or Chinese American. Before coming to America, the word “immigrant” was unknown to me.

Born in a country with thousands of years of history, we Chinese seldom use the term "immigrants" and instead say "foreigners." That’s why we are called China, the central country. Our ancestors thought the country was the center of the world. For example, if you see a white person on the street, it's easy for us to tell from his appearance that he doesn’t belong to the land. What’s more, I guess more than 60% of Chinese have never seen a foreigner, or “lao wai” in their lifetime.

I have to tell you a funny story. Twenty years ago, Peter Hessler, the author of "Country Driving," visited a small city in China and stayed in a hotel. When he planned to go to sleep, someone knocked on the door. In a while, he was taken to the police station because the hotel felt insecure and reported him. The whole incident was due to his appearance as a foreigner and his American passport. The locals didn’t want to get into trouble, so they told Peter to leave the city as soon as possible. That’s how we treat foreigners in a conservative city.

America is different as an immigrant country. If I go to a bank to open an account, the staff will still ask me whether I am a citizen of America. See, no matter what your color or face, you can be an American.

However, the situation for immigrants has changed a lot, especially for Chinese. One day I went to Princeton and prepared to sign up for a volunteer event. A man who managed this event wanted to show his friendliness and said to me, “You know, not everyone discriminates against Chinese.” Should I deeply appreciate his kindness? My answer may not.

As I have experienced more and more of these small things, I agree with a conclusion from the book "Ethical History of America." The result of diversity in America was that different races finally found that the best way to live here was not to disturb others after countering many conflicts.

A similar thing happened in my ESL class. The teacher told us that to respect individualism, New Yorkers now prefer to say the immigrating culture is a salad bowl rather than using the old metaphor of a "melting pot." She explained that if you put different items into a melting pot, everything would become the same after melting, but a salad remains colorful. Does it sound better?

I have to admit that the culture of immigrants is a complex subject, so I need more time to understand it. Moreover, since I am not yet a long-term and stable immigrant without a green card, maybe I don’t have enough authority to comment on the culture of immigrants. Let’s see if I can be lucky enough to get a green card by eating Chick-fil-A once a week, which is a superstitious practice among some Chinese immigrants to pray for their green card. "Eat Chick-fil-A, case will be approved soon" similar to "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Seeking self

From group culture to getting along with individuals, I feel pretty good. As our Jollibee-loving Indian friend said to me, “Now that I am in America, why should I only stay with Indians?” It is not reasonable. In this “salad bowl,” my partner and I should get along with different people from various races and countries. So we know one Indian friend, two, and then three Indian friends, some Chinese friends, and a few “foreigners” from our ping-pong community, or as I call it, Ping Pong Jianghu (literally translates to "rivers and lakes").

In ancient China, "Jianghu" referred to a counterculture society of diverse workers, a vibrant and flexible system distinct from the rigid world of Confucian scholar-officials. Within Jianghu, levels of martial artists competed in leagues to prove their skills and earn the title of the best. This society also had an apprenticeship system, different from the official education system. For example, novices learned directly from masters, gaining hands-on experience.

This concept of Jianghu finds a modern parallel in the ping-pong community, where players progress from beginners to advanced and expert levels. The dynamic nature of the game means that just when you think you can beat a competitor, a new, more skilled player emerges, or your old rival improves, making your goal ever elusive.

Ping Pong is an infinite game. If you relentlessly pursue victory, the path has no end, leading to addiction. However, if you play for fun, it remains a source of endless enjoyment, much like any hobby you're passionate about. As you practice, you'll receive voluntary tips from others—how to serve, how to return, how to read your opponents. If someone consistently teaches you for free, you might even call them a master.

I started playing Ping Pong for fun. Along the way, I made friends and learned more about myself. I discovered that you shouldn't run away from trouble or fear showing your weaknesses; there is never a perfect moment. And guess what? In those moments, I realize—I am a philosopher.

And on May, 4th, I also got a surprise here.

I couldn’t imagine A and Zhe gave me a birthday surprise in this community. When all the people were playing games on Sunday Fun Day night, they suddenly announced it was my birthday and brought a magic box with a pink cake. The motif of three cats was put on the cake like my cats were singing a song to me rather than screaming and asking for food.

On May 4th, I received a surprise that I never could have imagined. A and my husband organized a birthday celebration for me right here in our community. While everyone was enjoying Sunday Fun Day night games, they suddenly announced it was my birthday and presented a magic box containing a pink cake. The cake was adorned with a motif of three cats as if they were serenading me instead of demanding food.

A told me to trust those who are trustworthy and not to worry excessively. He reminded me that life has its timing, and all we need to do is wait. This was the most valuable lesson I took away from that day and the preceding months. In the past, I was known as the one who listened to others' stories, doubted myself, and believed I didn't deserve good things due to my lack of confidence. I also felt compelled to exceed expectations, striving for perfection in my studies to earn my parents' pride. However, the new Stella is less preoccupied with negative outcomes, more self-assured, and willing to embrace life's imperfections.

I have to say that a positive aspect of me is that I am beginning to discover myself within a universe where people from all over the world converge. It's challenging to maintain my sense of self in such an interconnected world. To be precise, it's about exploring who I am in this new world and how to narrate a comprehensive story of myself, rather than succumbing to a single narrative or common biases. For instance, I am a female immigrant who followed my husband to America, a path taken by thousands of women. However, it doesn't imply that I must always defer to my partner or that our family is male-dominated. The story of relocation is not solely about commitment but also about navigating the compromises between reality and an ideal world.

Another significant transition for me is my growing appreciation for Chinese culture. I've reflected on whether I ever considered what it means to be Chinese before coming to America or my place in Chinese society. I want to convey to other Americans or immigrants that, beyond the contentious policies of the Chinese government and the complex relationship between China and America, we also have other aspects to share, such as cuisine, traditional arts, and the advanced progress of feminism in contemporary China.

Make a compromise

After nine months of observation, I eventually admit that an ideal country doesn’t exist. I have to compromise with reality, as I mentioned earlier. China has become increasingly conservative, while America has become more centralized or communist, like China before. The wave of democracy always ebbs and flows, but now it’s ebbing, like the onset of the 1960s.

Besides ping-pong, I have another social circle composed of Ukrainians, South Koreans, Turks, Japanese, Russians, and some Hispanics. Generally, we hardly meet Japanese people. If your country were as developed and clean as Japan, why would you emigrate to New York? The answer should be no. As the Asian stand-up actor Ronny Chieng said, do you guys know, even in the 1970s, the toilet in Japan could wash your asshole using warm water? Rather than New York, it’s even difficult to find an available toilet, or you have to use a common toilet with a homeless person. However, the rest of this social circle is mostly from conservative areas or have experienced war and violence in their countries. Sometimes the salad bowl is not as diverse as you expect, since some people prefer to eat beef but some are vegetarian. So sometimes, if you are in New York, you may have some feelings: why so many Russians? Why are there so many Turks? Why so many Chinese? Why so many Ukrainians? Why so many Indians? The reason is apparent.

Final Words

The world is always in motion, whether it be the shifting tectonic plates or the migration of human beings. The enduring hope of humanity has always been to find a better life or simply to survive, even though sometimes the outcome of immigration falls short of expectations. We all recognize this as one of the reasons why the United States was established. Remember what Alexander Hamilton said: "I am just like my country. I am young, scrappy, and hungry."

Hold on! I recall an article on TOEFL that I read yesterday. It mentioned since the first humans migrated from Asia to North America due to their preference for the taste of native bison, the size of these animals has significantly decreased due to human hunting. It made me wonder, were the first inhabitants of this land Asian? However, the situation seems to have reversed now. The native fauna might not reduce my stature, but perhaps it could make me plumper instead?